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  • Mar. 8th, 2010 at 8:12 PM

And so my mum says i've gotta believe in myself before i go see this guy to i dunno talk about a job or something. but what she doesn't understand is a have a staggeringly low self esteem. I brag a lot, i talk myself up a lot but underneath it all i am that clich'ed character whose inundated with insecurities and lack of self belief. the only time i ever began believing in myself was when i was seeing my therapist and now i can't remember why i did. I don't think i'm all that pretty or talented i think i might be intelligent. the only thing i believe i can do well is dance but i don't wanna place my life on dance. dance is for my soul not for my wallet. I get D and HD's all the time now but i see other people's work and my work means less to me. My mum says there will always be someone better then me and someone not as good as me so all i can do is try my best and try to improve all the time. it's a nice sentiment but now, once again, i'm facing the future (one of my biggest foes, almost my nemesis) and i'm being told that this profession i've chosen is cut throat and only the best get to the top. the extremely talented. so 'being the best that i can be' may just not be good enough.

anyway what's bugging me out about this is that the reason i have this interview is because someone called in a favor and talked me up. said i have 'new ideas' says i'm bright and brilliant. what the fuck are new ideas? i don't have any fucking 'new idea's' my major animation this year is about a little boy robot. come on. new ideas. fucking new ideas what like 'gay boys are hot?' or rather 'rockstars who aren't really gay but act gay are hot?' great idea. fresh. original. not. i found beatles quotes the other day that where slashy.

fucking new ideas. %99 per cent of the art i make is fanfic and pic. i own none of it. i've created none of it. i spin a good yard. i twist a story or two but with characters that people already know and love. and whenever i do a non fanfic one i barely get more then a comment. nothing.

i'm a raging ball of regurgitated art. brilliant. and i'm gonna have to go and stand in front of this guy and smile and say 'actually i'm not all that and i have raging balls of regurgitated art'. I would hope that he would laugh at that but i would know that i would leave the building with nothing too.

why couldn't i just go along like i always have, for the most part not believing in myself and faking the rest.



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